Comfortably Numb, Part 1

I apologize for not posting for a few days, but I had good reason: my Mother passed away on June 13, 2022. I knew she was going to pass, because she was ill, but I have to report that she is no longer Cancer’s prisoner! She is pain and suffering-free, so that in itself is a blessing. However, I am heartbroken — my whole entire family is really…

She started eating less and sleeping more, getting to the point where she was only sleeping and breathing shallowly. She lingered longer that I thought she would, but I’m praying it’s not because she couldn’t forgive my Abuser. She literally forgave everyone and anyone else (although my Mom was kind and understanding, always), but our last full conversation was due to how she just couldn’t forgive him. I pray that wasn’t the reason she stayed so long. He’s not worth sadness, or regret, or even anger. My Dad always taught me that those who anger you, control you. My Abuser is NOT the boss of me. AND, I don’t want him to be the source of her continued suffering!

She asked if I had forgiven him, so I told her I was letting go of things as I came across them, so I could heal. I said that forgiving him was not necessarily FOR him, but for my well-being and healing. I was having to forgive him incrementally, which my therapist said that they liked and that it was definitely okay as long as it was productive and moving me forward. I hope my words gave her a way to let that resentment go.

How am I doing? I’m not certain…sad, mostly. I am currently having to operate in a “comfortably numb” mode so I can function as an employee, a mother, and a girlfriend. Mostly, this sorrow is making me exhausted, because we’ve known for so long that Death was coming for her.

The last few days, my grandson, while lying on his back, is looking up and reaching and laughing and smiling at something. Is it my Mom? I’m almost certain it is, as our short, recent conversations were on his well-being and milestones he’s reached. I’m SO thankful that she got to meet him before she left on her Forever Journey!

Love and light!

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