My body had been feeling off lately…I mean REALLY hurting and aching. I just knew my chronic pain was flaring up, so I took a few days off from exercising. I have been so busy worrying about my BF, my job, my finances, my needing a P/T job, and losing my dog, that I didn’t REALIZE what day it was…that is, until I read my Dad’s Facebook posting this morning. Dammit.

Losing my Mom has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. EVER. Bar none. Even harder than domestic violence (because I’d done if for so long it was a screwed up “normal”???). My brain knows that she’s passed away, but I had gotten COVID-19 last year and I couldn’t go to her funeral…I wasn’t about to honor her by making several of my elderly relatives sick (or worse). My heart keeps hoping that she’s there, in Memphis, with my Dad. It sucks more than I can convey. I know I’m going to be disappointed and weepy, when I finally go and visit.

I’ve been wondering, does grief ever lessen? After much thought, I’ve come to the following conclusion — that I feel that my Mother would be proud of…grief does NOT lessen, because our love for that person doesn’t lessen. Much like a body builder training to become fit, as we carry heavy things, our bodies adjust to the weight and we become stronger due to the resistance of carrying it. It doesn’t mean we don’t falter or that we don’t get triggered and weepy — we definitely do. But, we can carry it with us, as the loss because a part of our fabric. I have also found it’s best to share good memories in a group with others that loved that person too. It increases the good brain chemicals, dopamine, that make you happy. It’s SO addictive and joyful!

I will say, it’s a bit startling waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror. I think, for just a moment, that I see her. It’s really just my reflection, but I have to smile knowing that she’s still with me.