NOTE: I started this on the evening of 07/01, but finished it today. Yesterday was NOT a good day…
I feel totally heartbroken, crushed, and sad. I have COVID and because of this, I cannot go see my relatives and grieve with them, because my Mother has passed away. Her funeral mass was today and I could not be there physically, but only in spirit….
…but, I suppose, then so is she? My lovely sister-in-law FaceTimed for me. I got to speak to my relatives, and siblings, and Dad. It made my day to see them! My SIL also had someone hold the phone, via FaceTime, while the funeral mass went on. I too was there in Spirit, but could see what was going on…maybe like she is…
I teleworked while that mass went on. Me on the telephone helping people, hearing the singing of the choir and the words of the priest. He knew my mother, admired her faith, and knew she was now truly free with the Father. Tears flowed, but still I continued to help and advise others.
I feel comforted by reading this passage from Isaiah 57:1-2… “The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” It goes along with my theory that God is merciful and took her to take her away from cancer’s evil, to dwell safely in Heaven. Meanwhile, I keep her heart with me; that is: her love, her kindness, her teachings…those I get to keep…well, that and the fact that I look just like her…I see her every morning in the mirror…
I cannot control what goes on, but I can control how I react to it — that’s character. It’s what I learned by watching my Mom. She was a woman of God, so she is now in Paradise. It’s the ultimate reward, so for that I am glad. I now have to figure out how to carry on.
For now, I will mourn incrementally…just the same way I had to forgive my Abuser…on my own terms and in my own time. I have family to feed and shelter and DV victims to protect. Psalm 147:3, states “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I need healing, Lord, please bind up this huge, open heartwound. My brain knows she’s in a good place, but my heart is fighting me greatly. I just feel…wrecked and emotional…which is WAY worse than raspy and cannot taste and smell…those side effects will go away soon…I feel like my emotional state might take quite a bit longer…
Love and light! Hug your loved ones as much as you can!