#Heartbroken

I need this shirt…I’d wear it out in public too!

I was informed of my Mom’s cancer just days after the final abuse episode in 2017. In the days following the final violent altercation and my abuser going to jail, my Dad told me the news. Ever since, I have tied the two traumas together. Really only related by the trauma toll they took on me — but tied, nonetheless!

I am nearly five years free of my abuser, but my Mom’s cancer came back after 18 months of remission. She’s fought valiantly, but made the decision in February of this year to stop taking her medicine — mainly due to her numbers not getting better AND it making her violently ill. I don’t blame her and can definitely understand/respect her decision, BUT…I am saddened by this…extremely…

I did get to see her over Easter and she got to meet her great-grandson, for which I am extremely thankful. However, she’s declining now to the point that I spoke to her over the phone and she didn’t know exactly whom she was talking to…I am heartbroken, but I did hear her tell me that she loves me. I am grateful for that too! She’s sleeping more and eating less, so it’s really just a matter of time, a short period of time, before she’s released from her earthly bounds and suffering.

I think I’m experiencing residual trauma right now, because those two events are perpetually tied together in my mind. It’s almost as if it’s an endless season of grieving! When I feel like I am done grieving one thing, another thing appears (or reappears). I feel like this is the main reason I’m exhausted all of the time.

I have noticed in order to cope, I’ve been working more at my full-time job, pushing to get a part-time job, doing more advocacy, taking more personal-growth classes, reading more — just being extra so I don’t have to think about my pain, I suppose. I am a champion at muddling through, well, anything. At some point I have to deal with my heart break…I’m just not sure how to be anything but busy and despondent right now.

Love and light! <3

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