Mark of the Beast

***TRIGGER WARNING!***

I was strangled. I make no secrets about it. I also often explain about being “choked” (which is by something inside your throat, such as food), and being “strangled” (where someone goes “hands on” and tries to hurt you by cutting off your breathing).

My abuser did this attack a few times when we fought/argued. However, he did this ever-so-slightly, when we were being intimate. It’s my understanding that some people are aroused by the high of almost passing out. For my abuser, it was all about aggressive control of me, during sex, which made him more aroused. Not the actual act of sex, but the power and control.

Regardless, I have damage to my layrinx, which causes me to gasp for air more, regardless of being awake or asleep. The scarring causes more sore throats that I care to admit to. However, I did not realize that I carried the badge of this on my neck still. I was checking out of a store, finishing up paying for my purchases, when the cashier asked if I had a rash on my neck. My hand immediately went up to my neck and I felt nothing, so I shook my head.

When I got home, I noticed that my neck was red in a spot on the left. I discovered that have broken blood vessels that still show some finger placement from when I was strangled. This make sense, as my BF sometimes ask me if I’m stressed and have hives. I am guessing that when my blood pressure goes up, the marks come out more. My abuser marked me, inadvertently, which slightly angers me.

I suppose I could go into how embarrassed or mad I am. I’m not anymore. I did not cause this or ask for it. For now, I will probably cover it with makeup, but will tell people what that is, if I feel that they need to hear it…especially if they call that out to me. I’m going to treat it like an educational piece…that’s what I am, a walking education.

Never be ashamed. Abuse is never your fault.

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