Don’t worry, dear reader, I still have my father. He is living and well. This is a post, about grieving fathers, live or deceased.
First, I would like to say that I’m sending love and light to anyone grieving a father, in any capacity. I grieve that I cannot spend Father’s Day with mine, as he lives 450 miles away, and it simply isn’t possible today…but I will see him next month! <3
This post is mainly for my children. I grieve the man that is their “sperm donor,” who was a father who never truly was one. I feel angry and cheated, on their behalf. I did not choose wisely, but I was lied to. He had all the promise of being a solid father…he promised he would be all that his own father wasn’t. He promised to be there, to share in the responsibility of raising them with me, to help mold them into wonderous adults. It was a lie, a shame, a rouse. He just wanted to help make a baby, not make a righteous person (or people) through being the biblical head of the family. He was NEVER that. I feel lied to and cheated…for them and for me.
I have a great father. He was always there for me. He provided for our family. He was a helpmate to my mother. He was my first and prime example of how men should be and how they should treat me. He treated my mother like the queen she was, up until the day she died. He was a disciplinarian. He was one of my biggest cheerleaders — and still is. He and my Mom raised three college graduates with wonderful jobs and children. To me, they are a success. I however, feel I am not. I could’ve been…with their father’s help. But he truly didn’t want to be a husband and a father…he wanted to be a controller, a tyrant, a visually successful “man”…but he didn’t want to put in any work or effort to being a husband or a father — except by means of cruelty and meanness. To be completely honest, he cheated himself. Our kids are pretty good individuals, considering what they have been through. We also now have a very precious grandson that essentially only has my significant other as a Papaw and my father as a great-Papaw…his biological grandfather isn’t present in any capacity and my son-in-law’s step father passed away last November. My grandboy will be nurtured, however, by “real” men. Men who step up and who are there, are real, and are present.
And now to the real fathers that I see, that I am so impressed by, with my boyfriend leading the pack. He is such an amazing man and partner and father and Papaw. It almost makes me jealous on behalf of my children; however, they need to see a real man loving their mother correctly. And treating kids, his or mine, properly as his children, and loving grandchildren equally (regardless of biology).
I hate to say it, I grieve this on this day, for them. It is almost as if he were physically dead, this man that he pretended to be. He never truly was. And I grieve that, as do they. Thankfully, they have many positive male role models in their lives as uncles, and grandfathers, and significant others. They’ll be okay…and yet, I wonder, does he even celebrate this day? Or is this a day of regret?
I pray for those of you who survive on the memory of your fathers, living and/or deceased. Dwell on the good, let go of any bad. They are and were human, after all. I pray everyone reading this blog post has a wonderful day, spending it in however makes you happy. Be blessed.
Love and light! <3
