Escaping DV and tasting freedom can be VERY scary, but is it worth it? The ultimate answer is YES, but it does get uncomfortable and hard at times. However, during active abuse, didn’t you already:
- Make choices for your well-being (and possibly for kids)?
- Have to make hard choices?
- Put aside your feelings in order to get things done?
- Take care of others?
- Work hard?
- Learn how to adapt with limited resources, within adversity?
If so, you’ve totally got this! Just know, survival isn’t always pretty or logical. It’s comprised of not giving up, of not taking “no” or “you can’t” for a final answer. It’s always pushing forward, even if that looks like stepping back temporarily, so you can clearly see if you need to change directions or pivot quickly to avoid disaster. It’s shrugging your shoulders and saying “I’ve got this!” or “Heck, let’s try it!” While freedom can be scary and unknown, it also isn’t written in stone; freedom can reveal some of the greatest blessings that you’ve never known before. Freedom is hard, but as my Dad always said, “Nothing worthwhile is easy.” What a sober and true statement that is!
So, the reason for my choice of graphics is simple. As a pre-teen and teen I avidly read the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series of books, in between academic reading. If you’re not familiar with them, you start out reading a story, then, a few pages in, it asks you what you’d like to do next, giving two or three specific choices, followed by the page number that the choice resides on (see the picture below, to see what I am talking about). It is NOT to be read front-to-back, like a regular book; BUT, you know, living in an abusive relationship is eerily similar to that as well! I always read the introduction in the book, laughingly warning you on how to navigate the book and the upcoming pitfalls. I always found it comical, then, not realizing it would be a life narrative for later in my life.
As you can see, as in life, you have to make a choice on which direction to proceed. You then turn to the associated page, and keep reading. Sometimes you get to another crossroads, and make another choice; sometimes, your journey just ends. I used to backtrack, in my reading, to see where I went wrong in the story, so I could “do over” that situation — ironically, much as in life. I’ve learned A LOT from these books, beyond the silly stories/mysteries inside. They became a physical metaphor for me, in order to live my life. Who knew that would be the case!?
So, getting out of a DV relationship is A LOT like this series of books. I know, personally, when I was inside of my abusive relationship, my Abuser demanded instant answers or solutions from me — CONSTANTLY. When you are on your own, you can step back, breathe, and analyze methodically what you want/need to do. You are allowed to think on something instead of making a hasty decision. I also love the fact that I can step away from something and come back and address it later, when I am calmer and less anxious. It. Is. Amazing! It definitely IS a “Choose Your Own Adventure!”
Lastly, I have heard many people ask me, “well, yeah, but what about the loneliness?” Well, I can only speak from my own perspective (but have also heard this from other survivors), but I felt MORE lonely INSIDE the abusive relationship, than as a single person. That didn’t mean that I didn’t pep-talk myself or praise myself, because that IS what I needed and lacked. Inside the relationship, my Abuser NEVER provided that encouragement or safety. I also discovered something REALLY cool about being single that I never before thought of: I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission to go and do AND if I was late or something took longer than I originally thought, NO ONE…absolutely NO ONE yelled at me…*explotion sounds as my mind is blown!* To be honest, if you feel the need for companionship, go do an activity you’ve always wanted to do (like a wine and painting class), hang out with a friend, or take one of your kids on a “date.” I realized that I didn’t actually need an intimate relationship to survive. I really was enough [for myself]!
You are enough. You are worth the freedom. You cannot grow in a stagnant pond and this world needs you safe and happy. Please, as always, reach out and I can help you on your journey. Love and light! <3
