***TRIGGER WARNING!*** This blog post discusses aspects of physical abuse!

I have a traumatic brain injury (TBI). I received it at the hands of my abuser, from the final beating I received. After there was a CT scan of my head, the doctor diagnosed me with a “mild” TBI. Recovery from this has been hard. I am not the mental ace, now, that I used to be — which is super frustrating!

I have a confession. I lean toward annoyed most of the time. Part of it has to do with how tense I was for over 23 years of abuse, some of it is due to C-PTSD that I developed and was diagnosed with, but the majority of it has to do with the mild injury to my brain.

According to the neurologist, the front part of my brain became bruised as it bounced around in my skull. The frontal lobe of the brain controls emotions and emotional responses. My Ex knocked me unconscious in 2017 and kept beating the back of my head on the concrete floor. This also did things to my balance and coordination, that I still struggle with to this day. Yoga is a definite challenge now. It took me three months to get over the concussion that I received, but did I REALLY get over it? I wonder…

I tend to be, what I like to call ‘chronically annoyed.’ I do my utmost not to get discouraged, which makes me more annoyed as the day goes on. To keep myself “upbeat” I listen to music, I read, I write, I solve Rubik’s Cube type puzzles, I listen to things that make me laugh, and I take Complex B vitamins and magnesium and CBD. I also drink coffee in the morning, in order to get my day started properly. I have to do what I need to do, being in customer service…

It also doesn’t help that my expression, when busy and/or deep in thought, goes to a mild scowl. I really try to be cognisent of it, but inevitably I forget and then someone asks me “what’s wrong?” — which then REALLY does annoy me. Oy…

What annoys me most is that I don’t have the mental capacity that I used to. I have earned two associates’ degrees, a technical certificate, a bachelor’s degree, and a master’s degree. I consider myself to be “well read.” I was invited to MENSA for my IQ, when I was younger. I could solve Rubik’s Cubes like they were no big deal. I could multi-task and get SO much done, managing multiple jobs, a home, and three children. And now? I’m lucky if I remember why I walked into the room. I carry a pen and pad of paper with me like a security blanket.

What keeps my mood mellow and consistent: Routine; NO chaos through organization; makings lists and using my calendar, to keep me on-track; using candles and aromatherapy scents; keeping on the Keto diet to avoid carbohydrate “brain fog.”

By nature, I’m a mellow and happy person…I’m not a fan of the annoyed chick that sometimes inhabits my body. I do what I can in order to try to keep her pacified, but it’s not my fault that she’s showed up. I am happy to report that she shows up less and less frequently! <3