I was trying to pretend today was an ordinary Sunday. I was trying to not acknowledge that today was Mother’s Day and my first one without my Mom. I was trying to reconcile that my oldest lived in Chicago and couldn’t come visit, my daughter and her fiancee and grandson were visiting his Mom today, and my autistic teen didn’t want to hang out with Mom.

I did my best to keep busy, getting my kitchen setup and cleaned, perusing Facebook, reading a bit of my current book, watching the movie, The Mother, starring Jennifer Lopez…anything to keep my mind occupied.

I miss my Mom, so much that I can scarcely breathe. I’m the matriarch now, which scares me to no end. I am now the oldest female of my generation. I am the one that is aged and hurting. I am the one who has to mind her health without alarming the kids. I am the one who is missing a long-distance child and praying for them. I am the one who gets to hold and spoil the grand baby, who wakes and shakes with joy when he realizes it’s me. This is a part of life, one that I thought would just occur sometime in the future, one I thought I could consult HER on, but I just can’t…she’s not here to consult anymore.

I also miss my former mother-in-law. She had no problem being blunt, which I appreciated, but maybe not-so-much her delivery of reality. I miss my BF’s Mom’s sweetness and ability to see the good in everyone. I miss my Aunt Donita, who died a week after Mom, and her quirkiness. She had an uncanny ability to call when I needed to hear from family. I miss my grandmothers — ALL of them, because I desperately need motherly guidance, even at nearly age 50. I need to know that everything will be okay. I guess it will be okay? It has to be — right? I need to know so that I can assure my kids and grandkids.

So, I wish a fulfilled Mother’s Day to all the mothers, working hard. If you’ve lost a Mom, I see you. If you’re not on the best terms with your kids, I see you. If you’re not communicating with your mother or had to cut them out of your life, I see you. If you’re a Mom who’s found herself newly single and not supported, I see you. If you’re a Mom who’s survived DV and think you’re not good enough, I see you. If you’re not yet a Mother, but are struggling to conceive, I see you. If you’re a Dad, who has had to fill a role you’d never thought you would, I see you. If you’re the parent of a child who has passed away, I see you. If you’re the Mother of a handicapped child, whom you are frustrated with, I see you. If you are in a Mom-type role (Step Mom, Bonus Mom, Foster Mom, Godmother), I see you. If you are a Mom of an adopted child, I see you. If you’re a Grandma or an Aunt or another female person who has had to become a Mom again (instead of your intended role), I see you. If you are a fur-Mom or plant-Mom, I see you. All mothering is precious and powerful!

Love and Light!