I had a lady that came to my social services window today that was there to change her name.
“Due to marriage or divorce?” I asked.
She swallowed hard. “Um, divorce. I’m sorry, I’ve never done this before.”
It made me think about contemplating my own divorce. Even though I didn’t want my abuser around, I didn’t want to be alone and destitute, being unloved by anyone. That thought kept me paralyzed and in bed, afraid I was unworthy of love — just as he foretold. I was ready to curl up and die at the thought of being “divorced.” I had never felt so lost and all alone in my life.
I did make myself forge on and started to heal. I mean, I had to…I had children depending on me!
I had a protective order, which, in my opinion could be the best antidote to a broken heart and a trauma bond. However, as time progressed and my divorce was at a stand-still longer and longer, I started to get angry. I was evolving into a free person, partially returning to a person that I was, and partially become a new, independent woman — at the same time!
I had borrowed money from my parents to retain an attorney, who turned out to do little for me. I pressed and pressed about my divorce hearing date, to the point where she told me that she needed more money to represent me. I then took things into my own hands. I was not doing all of these things to heal and move-on, only to start rolling backward! What I realized, is that even though I had an EPO, my abuser was postponing our court date, continuing things, in hopes that I’d give up and return. He postponed it eighteen months.
I went to the Court Clerk’s office and picked the clerk’s brain. She showed me how to file a motion. She delivered it to the judge’s office, and they set me an appointment. Ironically, the judge’s assistant asked,”Is February 13, 2019, okay?” I had to smirk. Of course! That would’ve been my 26th wedding anniversary. I nodded and said, “Yes, ma’am! Let’s go with that day!”
The date of the court hearing, I showed up by myself to represent, well, ME. He showed up with his attorney. He was in a wheelchair from a leg amputation. The judge proceeded and asked us both if this is truly what we wanted. I simply stated, “Yes, sir.” My Ex, on the other hand, burst into tears, stating that he never wanted it to get to this point and he never wanted to be divorced. The judge asked him if we needed to continue this hearing and I shot his attorney “the look.” His attorney spoke on his behalf, because my Ex was so overcome with crying.
“No, your Honor. We wish to proceed with the divorce proceedings, because it’s what Ms. Moseley wants.” Wait, what!?! Did this just get turned around on me? I kept my mouth shut and let it proceed.
We discussed the one minor child we still shared and visitation was left to state standards. His attorney proclaimed he had NO income, due to being disabled and that they were awaiting a Disability decision. His attorney informed them of my social services job and that I could “well afford to financially take care of the child and his insurance.” Whatever, just keep going, I thought to myself.
So, after 45 minutes of minding my manners and going along with the proceedings, we were divorced. There is a relief and lifting of a heavy burden that I just simply cannot put into words. I looked over and my Ex was crying on his attorney’s shoulder, being consoled. I had to walk out of the courtroom and away from the circus quickly!
As I was heading to my car, to go back to my “fat-cat” job, I receive a text message on my phone from my Ex:
“Can we go get coffee and talk, please?”
Sorry, no can-do, I thought. I have healing to continue and worlds to conquer. I don’t consort with demons.
I simply sent a response text: “Sorry, have to go back to work. Thanks, but it’s better if we don’t.” My Mother would be so proud of how I conducted myself….and I was afraid of not living through this??? If I had stayed or went back to that monster, I surely would have been dead by his hand. I was healed and renewed by God’s Grace! I no longer felt lost! I felt as if I had been given a new direction by God, my Captain! <3