I want to address something spiritual on a Sunday. I’ve talked to many survivors and almost 1/3 are angry with the Lord. The ones that are, and I totally understand anger very well, state, “Well, where was He? God didn’t protect me!”
I can understand that line of thinking, as I was angry for a moment. Of course, it was after I was relieved to have lived and scared of the unknown, but angry nonetheless. How could He let that happen?
Well, I’d like to offer a few insights that I have come to terms with, in my growth and healing: while what happened to us wasn’t our fault, God imbued us with “free will.” That is, we can choose. So much so, that I had to choose how I would react, to not anger my abuser. Sometimes I chose well and sometimes I didn’t. I also had a choice at that point to contact the authorities or leave. Sometimes I did leave. I have had to contact the authorities but ended up choosing to go back to my abuser because I was convinced he had changed. I was afraid I couldn’t survive on my own AND that he would find someone else. Someone with clear thinking would find that insane, but victims are so beaten down that we don’t think clearly. I blame the “trauma bond.” Deception and diversion are abusers’ go-to tactics.
Also, Evil has a hand in this too…it’s not merely God turning His back. Our abusers are evil incarnate, but because they were created by God, He still loves them too. However, the majority of the Bible does not condone violence, but peace. Jesus was peaceful and loved everyone — even a leper and a whore. Our abusers chose violence and evil and hate…so much so that they hate themselves, so they punish us to hate themselves less. Crazy, right?
I was, on several occasions, held against my will, dropped off and left somewhere, and locked out of my home. I was panicked and didn’t have a clear vision of what I truly needed to do. He had our children and separated me from them. Abusers have this knack for diversion, which I feel they learned from the devil. Confuse, cloud judgment, use dark psychology — all tactics to make you doubt yourself, in effect making you dependent on THEM, not God.
In hindsight, I made A LOT of choices that didn’t go well or I didn’t choose at all, which is also a choice. Apathy does not serve you, even though we feel numb during abuse and post-abuse. It takes a while to start feeling emotions again, post-abuse. That numbness is a gift from God, ironically during abuse, so we can get through things. And yet, I had choices, most being hard choices that I opted not to make.
And yet, I clung to God, while in active abuse. It was God that sent opportunities my way, it was God who didn’t give me more children than I could take care of (I wanted 4 or 5, but only got received 3 and I wasn’t supposed to have children at all). It was God that made it to where the bullet missed me when my abuser shot at me. God gave me the good sense to choose, but I didn’t always call on that good sense. God gave women the gift of women’s intuition, which we also don’t listen to like we should. I listen to it now. I trust myself and my instincts. That conscience voice (aka Jimminy Cricket) is God speaking.
Please, again, don’t mistake what I’m saying. We, as former victims, did NOT ask for the treatment we got, and we did NOT deserve it. We trusted the abusers and loved them, so our conscience is clear. We were ALL IN and they abused trust, love, our bodies, our safety, our finances, etc. I just know, in reflecting on my own abuse, hindsight is 20/20, and I saw so many ways that I could’ve changed the tide by asserting choices. God just happen to let me choose. He was probably shaking his head, but I made my choices. I did not use the good sense or intuition that He gave me. I was the one that turned from God. I also think my guardian angel drinks and smokes, LOL!
God is there, I truly believe that. If you are out of abuse, give it all to God and your path [going forward] will reveal itself. There will still be struggle, but struggle makes us stronger, much like the caterpillar transforming itself into a butterfly. Love and light!
#trustGod #freewill #Womensintuition #blogboost