When I was in active abuse, I would push away or squash my emotions, because it was easier to be numb. I did it so much, I was pretty much on “autopilot.” I was a fembot, which I think was pretty much the way he wanted things, honestly. I sometimes call it “survival mode.”
When I got away from him in 2017, I went “no contact,” mainly due to an emergency protection order, but for my own mental health. I call the three months after leaving my “detox period.” It was almost like stopping drinking alcohol cold turkey, so there was a lot of chaos and confusion. However, as I was away, my thinking became more and more clear every day. I could see my tainted thinking and was embarrassed and angry over my actions while in active abuse. I was assured that it was COMPLETELY normal!
As I was healing, I was worried about my wooden emotions. It’s as if there was a dam stopping my emotions from flowing, until one day about 6 months later, I cried at the silliest thing on TV — a commercial with a baby on it. Then I cried at all the movies I saw for one reason or another. Someone cutting me off in traffic made me really angry, angrier than I’ve ever been before! What was going on? I went from one extreme completely to another!
I also started being very dramatic: I was outraged about the slightest things, I dwelled on things that made me angry or sad for days, and I had random cursing outbursts when I’d drop things or something wasn’t working right. WTH?
My therapist said everything I was experiencing was completely normal for someone who underwent as much trauma as I did, as well as for how long I experienced it. My body was learning to re-regulate my emotions. Also, my body had stored up all the tension I had and now I was experiencing chronic nerve pain in the form of fibromyalgia. All normal. Normal? This circus was normal???
Yeah, and let’s just add peri-menopause to this equation. My poor boyfriend is so screwed…I love him for his patience and staying power!
So now, if I stub my toe and curse, just ignore me. I’m just feeling my emotions to the fullest. Drama queen? Me? No, I run from drama. I want boring and mundane. I’m not being dramatic, you are!
*Sticks tongue out*