My children all live with me, so I take care of A LOT of people. My finances are already stretched thin, especially after my bankruptcy takes its major cut. I feel like Mickey Mouse slicing the bread tissue-paper-thin in Jack and the Beanstalk. (NOTE: Just using these for reference, Disney, just using it for reference!)
I have recently gotten my youngest enrolled in college, and at the gym, as well as keep on paying our household bills and feeding people. Since he started the gym, he needs new gym shoes as gym class and general teenager-wear-and-tear have done his other ones in. I try to get my kids good sturdy shoes at a discounted rate, but you have to understand one thing: this fifteen-year-old wears size 13 men’s tennis shoes, which aren’t always the easiest to come by either, so me going to Walmart to buy their knock-off shoes isn’t always an option.
Also, since he is starting a college class, he will need the course text book and a laptop or tablet to do his school work on. I may have a lead on a rental or granted laptop, but he still has to have the textbook. The digital textbook is free and we’ll definitely use that too, but he’s on the Autism Spectrum, so he needs a manual text book — in order to flip back and forth. Not only is it a quick reference thing, it’s also a tactile thing. If you know, you know. 😉
So, he naturally texts his Dad and tells him he is now a college student and has also joined the gym. His Dad congratulates him. He then asks if his Dad could get him some new workout shoes. “Sorry, no-can-do, buddy.” My son says he also needs to either rent the textbook or buy a used one and his Dad tells him to have “Mom work her magic.” I secretly/mentally called it. I KNEW he would react that way, because he always has…I took care of the majority of the expense and work and we need a detail expense taken care of (and I am broke because of taking care of the major detail). Always. Without fail. Disappointing, but not surprising. My son is naturally disappointed. I reassured him we will figure it out. Sounds like I’m digging the hold deeper and renting things. Anyone need a kidney? I have an extra…
So, why the title? The lesson I’ve learned is: 1.) I can only depend on me, so I’ll somehow figure it out, and 2.) I will never go back to that relationship, just because he has money. How does that work? Well, I had to do a bankruptcy to assume all the debt. He has enough to help our son out a bit, because no child support is being paid. I take on the largest part, but I just need to get into my head, like always, that I’m doing it all. ALL OF IT. Period. That’s why when children become famous, they say, “Hi, Mom!” Just sayin’…
After all, one shouldn’t drink the poison, just because they’re thirsty. I am NOT trying to do a “woe is me” post, but illustrate a ‘real-world’ example. I know that many survivors end up going back to their abuser because the unknown is scary — because they know how their abuser can be and feel like they could really temper the situation by controlling how they [survivor] act, making their situation financially comfortable. Can they really, though??? Eventually, like a cat playing with a dying mouse, abusers can take things further to the point of killing. Please, please, PLEASE don’t go back. We’ll struggle together. Do NOT lose the lesson!