A Rat in a Cage

Where the HECK is all of this anger coming from?

At first, I was angry with my abuser: for all punishments and forms of torture forced upon my children and myself, for things denied and things lost. I’ve been out for four years, so WHY AM I SO ANGRY?

Whenever I am angry or upset, or even happy, music helps me deal with my feelings. When my feels are angry, I listen to hard rock and metal. I also listen to this genre when I want to kick myself into gear, like on a cleaning spree.

I love the lyrics of the Smashing Pumpkins’ song, Bullet With Butterfly Wings, that I embedded into this blog post:

Chorus: “Despite all my rage, I’m still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage, I’m still just a rat in a cage
And I still believe that I cannot be saved.”

I was a rat in a cage. Then I was free from abuse. Then, I built my own gilded cage of guilt. The rage I was feeling, the anger, was at MYSELF. Depression is sadness with anger undertones. I was angry for all that I had endured, how long I allowed the abuse to go on, for not leaving sooner — the list is infinite, really. I was too angry to even forgive him. I was constantly being told to forgive, forgive, forgive…how can someone forgive someone who treated them so horribly? How could I even forgive myself for all I allowed?

Eventually, my thoughts turned to my Dad’s advice to me, when I was growing up and there were mean, conniving girls in my junior high class: “Babe, those who anger you, own you.” They own your emotions, your thoughts, your ability to see joy. I. WILL. BE. DAMNED! I will no longer be controlled!!!

I have learned to forgive the past, because it’s for me, not him. I will not forget what happened, but I forgive his ignorance and meanness. I have to also forgive myself. I know, deep down, I did the best I could in my situation at that time. My children have told me that they are not angry with me, that they saw what I went through, and saw what I went through to protect them. I have to remind myself of what I am grateful for, in order to not be so harsh on myself, as well as how far my family and I have come. I could have given up and went back AGAIN, but I did not, and that in itself is a success!

Anger is an emotion that was used against me as a tool. I will be ruled by it NO LONGER…not even being a captive of my own. I release anger and absorb joy!

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