I am NOT a hugger. I mean I will hug my kids, my parents/siblings, and significant other…but that’s pretty much it!
Why? In a world of hugging and showing emotions, I choose to be careful whom I share my space with. I just am. Here is what made me that way…
As a kid I’d get into fights with neighborhood kids (I was a tomboy) and inevitably someone would “bear hug” me from behind, so they could surprise ambush me, as well as have someone hold me so the other party could get punches in if we were fighting or if I lost a dare. I was a skinny, scrawny little girl, so it didn’t take much pressure to hold me. The more I’d struggle, the tighter the hug…sometimes the captor would have to wrap my up with their legs too, if I put up more of a fight. My captors were almost always boys…
As an adult, I was married to a narcissist who wouldn’t hug me unless he wanted sex, as indicated from hugging me from behind, or to emphasize an angry point, by squeezing me in a hard and hurtful manner. I was NOT embraced when I was crying AT ALL. Not once, by him, only by my children. They didn’t want their Mommy to hurt or be sad. I cherished these hugs, because they were so little and precious in their comfort of me. I think this had to do with the fact that I always hugged them and cuddled and cradled them to comfort them…to show joy…to show approval,..and to shield them…
My Abuser would use hugs against me…he would use them to subdue me and to hold me, seemingly to protect me from myself. He would look like he was hugging me from behind, as a gesture of love, as far as my children could discern…but they didn’t hear the threats that he whispered into my ear, as though they might be sweet nothings…I had to smile while being horrified…he often threatened to snap me like a twig, if I didn’t do X, Y, or Z. I felt bad for portraying his “hugs and whispers” as innocent, but I didn’t want my kids to know what a true monster their father was…I wanted them to see the illusion of what love could look like…plus, I didn’t want alarm them…I tried to keep peace in their world as much as I could…
As a part of a couple, we would often go to his best friend’s house for dinner or a party. His best friend from early middle school, loved to give everyone hugs. I need to insert that he is a nice enough man and I don’t dislike him, BUT the hugs he gave me were much more exaggerated and longer than anyone else’s. To be blunt, I believe that he was getting some perverted thrill, pressing my breasts into his chest. No only was it humiliating, it hurt, he hugged me THAT hard. If I refused, my then-husband would insist that I hug his friend. Actually, it was an order!
I left home at 20 years old and tearfully had to hug my parents goodbye, about twice per year. I felt so much sadness, leaving all over again, not knowing when, or if, my A user might let me see them again. These were the hugs of desperation and longing. I also remember my last hug to my dying mother…I have SO much regret there…
I am certainly trying to view hugs in a positive light, now-a-days…
- I make myself hug people when they’ve had a new baby, got married, or lost someone. I do hugs that mean something, personal! Plus, I control the hug…
- I love when my boyfriend “spoons” with me in bed! He tells me “in coming” and holds me gently while we sleep. That, to me, is the hug of protection!
- I use my weighted blanket and am looking into investing into a weighted hoodies that may help my hug aversion. I think it would also help with weight loss, but to me the weighted blanket is a safe hug! It helps me to relax and calms my anxiety!
(((Virtual hug)))
