Betrayal Trauma: Not Just Limited to Romantic Relationships

Betrayal is often talked about in love and romantic relationships. However, once you’ve been scorned, like I have, in love, I find it is MUCH easier to see it in ALL scenarios: family, friends, co-workers, etc.

I am a people person. I love my fellow humans and genuinely want to help; however, when you have been used and abuse, it takes A LOT of effort to trust people and let them into your life. I have a one strike rule with people, you know: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on ME. I will then CUT. YOU. OFF.

Upon the final attack of my Abuser, he was arrested and jailed and an EPO was put into place. DCS cleared me of and wrong-doing and made a formal statement that he was an “unfit parent,” but they threatened to go after me if I went back to him. That gave me mixed feelings, but mainly one of fear. I was already feeling pretty low when “friends” started dropping like flies. I was devistated. Most sided with and sympathized with HIM. WTF? I was the one who was physically attacked! I decided then and there I wasn’t going to respond to anything anyone said he said. I was goint to take the high road and go forward with my life. They could judge me any way they wanted, but I was too busy surviving and trying to heal myself and provide for my kids.

I did have a few true friends that stuck by me, which I GREATLY appreciated. My family was VERY supportive, which I cherished. My kids were perpetually angry, but we still did fun things to lighten the mood. I think they realized that they almost lost me.

I was already friends with one individual, who swooped in and became UBER supportive, which should have been a red flag, but wasn’t. I was foggy from all of the trauma, so I welcomed the perceived love and support. She was one to call and/or text me everyday to see how I was doing. She invited my kids and I over for dinner. We hung out and shared our betrayals. She brought me coffee at work on occassion. How great was that…or was it, really???

Whenever I would chat with someone (of the opposite sex) online or meet them for coffee, she wanted to know ALL about them. Being the truthful and transparent person I am, I told her. Unbeknownst to me (and until I’d ended our friendship), she was messaging them to talk to them about what a “train wreck” I was and how SHE was desirable — that she loved me and was trying to help me, but they should steer clear of me and consider her (the “stable” one).

Not knowing what she was doing, I’d become disenchanted with someone or a meeting didn’t go well, so I’d tell her — not knowing I was playing into her plans. I found out after our friendship ended, that she had a sexual “meetup” with a few later…probably those that I turned down because I wante to talk and get to know them better and they just wanted to “hook up.” I also feel, in hindsight, that she was trying to isolate me so she could hang out with me ALL of the time, with her creating “hook-ups” for her and me being solitary and single and dependent on her for support.

When I met my current boyfriend, via Facebook, I decided to play it off in my my conversations to her, as “no big deal,” at first, in case it didn’t work out. However, he felt different and I wanted to keep all of that goodness to myself. After we started physically dating and spending time together, she voiced that she “never saw [me].” I still hung out with her at her house twice a week and texted daily. That started to feel weird to me, because she made if weird through guilt and hurt feelings.

One night, when I was hanging out with her, having a glass of wine, she turned to me. “I’m concerned you’re getting TOO close to this guy, Laura. He’s not a good person.”

I just about choked on my wine, as I was taking a drink when she made this declaration. She and he are former Navy and he’d friended her on social media, so everything was super transparent.

“What the hell do you mean?” I demanded. “He’s been wonderful so far.”

“Well,” she said matter of factly. “I think he’s hiding stuff and I don’t trust him.”

I made an annoyed face at her. “We don’t have secrets. What makes you think that?”

She sighed. “I didn’t want to tell you, but he’s chatted with me a few times and when I didn’t engage how he wanted, he was must mean to me.” However, she couldn’t show me the Facebook IMs, because she stated she was so angry she deleted them and blocked him.

I just couldn’t believe that, so the next time my boyfriend and I were together, I asked him about it.

He laughed. “She’s Navy, so I was giving her a hard time and she got pissy. She’s too sensitive.” He proceded to show me the conversation. As I read, her messages to him seemed flirty and he’d volley back sarcastically. She got angry and told him, “You’re not a good person! You’re not good enough for Laura!” Um, wait, what???

When she and I hung out again, I asked her about it. She dismissed it and waived her hands. “You’re going to get yourself hurt with that one, Laura. Who are you going believe? Him or me?” It was at that point that I was started to see her as an interloper. I told her I wasn’t feeling good, so I left. In fact, it was her preceived actions were making me feel nauseated.

At this time, my Abuser had gotten serious with someone who was supposed to be a friend of mine. However, he and she had both been drinking and he angrily left on his motorcycle (while drunk) and hit a telephone pole, putting himself into a coma. My kids were beside themselves with grief, thinking that he might die. I felt terrible for them but felt nothing at all for him (which shocked and delighted me oddly at the same time). He was in a coma for a week, but then came out of it and doctors were talking about him losing his crushed leg. My middle daughter was upset, but would never take her younger brother, because of the EPO. They ended up removing his right leg, above his knee. I decided to remove the EPO because I figured he couldn’t “chase” me anymore. I had no desire to go back to him, but my then “best friend” was beside herself. I really did that because I didn’t want my youngest child to have any regrets, should his Dad happen to pass away. I wouldn’t be taking him but once, so I later allowed my former mother-in-law to do that.

“Why the HELL would you drop that, Laura!” She screamed. After she’d confronted me like that, i didn’t acknowledge her for two weeks despite her desperate I’m Sorry texts.

According to my middle daughter, my Abuser kept asking to see our youngest child. My youngest was legitimately worried about his Dad, so I took him to the hospital one night, over an hour away, to see him. I let him go into the room, while I waited outside the room, not wanting to engage with him AT ALL. As I’m sitting outside the room, the [former friend] who was his then-girlfriend, waltzed into the hallway. She stopped and locked eyes with me, before knocking and going into his room. She came out a few minutes later, visibly angry, looked at me, huffed, and left. WTF was THAT about? You know, I decided I didn’t care. They were both traitors and not worth my time.

A week after that, I texted back and forth with my “iffy best friend,” who was ever-so-grateful we were chatting again. However, she called me and was audibly angry.

“So,” she seethed. “You getting back with the Ex?”

“What?” She’d caught me off guard. I was on my lunch break and eating while I had her on speaker phone. She had this knack for timing it so I nearly chocked on food or drink. “Hell, no! What would even make you think that?”

“Well, Laura, I’ve heard things.” She sighed. “You really need to go to therapy and figure out what you want, girl.” She went on to explain that she was a social worker and she “saw things,” even though she wanted to be my support person. She even suggested I might need to be medicated, because I clearly wasn’t in my “right mind.”

At this point, my blood pressure shot up, especially when I realized. I had told NO ONE that I gave in and took my youngest child to the hospital to see his Dad. I knew her source. This so-called-best-friend of mine was talking to someone whom I told her betrayed me: my Ex’s current girlfriend (and my former-friend). Wow. I promptly hung up on her. She tried calling back a few times, but I put it to voicemail. I suspicioned that I was being played. I told my boyfriend what I ahd done and my reasoning. He supported me whole-heartedly.

When I wouldn’t answer her calls and texts, she texted me that my boyfriend was going to break up with me. I drove to his house, for our date that night and asked him about it. He sighed and pulled out his Facebook IM messages and let me read. My so-called-best-friend, told him that I was hanging out at the hospital constantly, with my Ex, as evidenced by a trusted mutual friend. He messaged her that he wouldn’t stand in my way, if that’s what I wanted, but that he also didn’t think that was truly the case (because he already knew, because our relationship has always been based on transparency). However, she insisted that her source was reliable and she was “trying to protect” him and his feelings, because she cared about him (inserted heart emoji). OH. MY. GOODNESS!

Thankfully, my boyfriend calmed me down after reading that whole interlude, because I was blinded by fury and deceit! I screamed. I cried. I was so crushed by betrayal, yet so angry! I immediately un-friended her on all social media and blocked her. I blocked her on my cell phone. My boyfriend did the same. That night, very late, I took everything that she ever bought me or left at my house and put it on a box on her doorstep, with the words “DON’T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN” written on all sides of the box, for her to find in the morning. She ought be thankful I didn’t write come descriptive words of what I thought of her…I still had to sleep at night and I would NEVER repeat those words that were once cast at me. I simply wanted to make it clear that I was breaking up with her, because she was never my friend…just a symbiote…

Since she couldn’t get to me, she tried to get my middle daughter to plead her case to me, when she appeared at Taco Bell for lunch one day. My daughter, who was working the front counter, told her I was doing well and she wasn’t going to get into the middle. The former friend begged and pleaded, stating that she was “desperate” to know if I had broken up with my “cheater” of a boyfriend because she was “so worried.” I’m proud to say that my daughter told her that I was no longer her concern and I was an adult and could take care of myself. She wished her well and waited on the next customer. She told me later that evening. Good girl!

Every so often, I see the former friend in traffic or walking in a store as I’m walking out. She waves and smiles, but I don’t make eye contact with her or acknowledge her in any way. I mean, we live in the same tiny town. It’s bound to happen. I wish her well, but she is not longer welcome at my table. Everyone has haters, they just sometimes disguise themselves as fans.