Today is my 49th birthday. Honestly, I wish it was December 4th and just another ordinary day. I think being nearly 50 years old is taking a toll on me. More so, I think having my first birthday without my Mother is really bringing me down. To be completely honest, I’ve never enjoyed my birthday, simply because my abuser would never allow me to have a day for me. It had to be all about him and sadly, I may be conditioned.
And yet, I feel like the conditioning is cracking. I woke up this morning to a decorated kitchen with presents and coffee — all decked out in a Wonder Woman theme! It was the most spectacular thing I’ve ever seen! I immediately started crying. What did I do to deserve this? And WHY did I feel like I needed to “deserve” it???
I’ve been super emotional and moody lately, I’m sure not the best girlfriend ever. I have a great partner. He probably should apply for sainthood at this point. I love that I finally have the safe person I deserved all along. It’s not the presents, it’s the thought and the time that I love. He put thought and effort about making it about ME. *Mind blown!*
You know, I’ve been out of abuse for five years now. I’ve come to the realization that I deserve happiness, the happiness that I have pushed away because I was conditioned to. I am trying to change my thinking about myself. I am the only me that I have and the only me that my boyfriend and kids and grandson have. I lost my mother — I should have had her for another twenty years or more. I will do my best to not stress, to take better care of myself, and allow myself to be happy. I deserve it. I am about thirty years past due.
I still am not thrilled with birthday things, as they make me self-conscious. I will do my best to move forward and be more receptive. I really do try to see the positive or the lesson in everything that I do. I was treated badly yesterday and I do NOT want to ever be like that. I have worked with some people in the public service sector that have become bitter and jaded. I VOW that I will never be like that. I treat everyone with the same respect that I wish to be treated. I deserve happiness and healing. I have to allow that to happen and to respect myself first, before that “habit” starts to form. I will chang that to myself, if needed. I deserve to be happy! I am enough!
YOU also deserve happiness! Love and light! <3