DAILY WRITING PROMPT: If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?
I thought I’d take a stab at this prompt…I detest the word hate because of how strong it really is. I thought about expounding on all of the English curse words, especially the f word, but I still utilize those at times, especially when my pinky toe finds the leg of our couch in the middle of the night. I also considered “shut up,” but that’s more of a phrase and it’s one that my Mom hated for us to say to one another, growing up. I decided to go with the word can’t — primarily because it was a word I heard my ex-husband say to me MOST of the time that we were married.
“Laura, you can’t do this…you’re too dense.”
Yep, I heard that. A LOT. We met while I was graduating high school and getting into college as a journalism major. Writing has been in my blood since I was three years old. My Ex, then my boyfriend, started off gently, with a story that I wrote for my college newspaper on censorship of a certain publication. “Honey, you just can’t write a story on this. Your school can ban things they think are inappropriate,” he said after I handed this story in. Oh great, I thought. Now my editor is going to think I’m a horrible journalist. Quite the contrary happened, ironically. The editor thought it was brilliant and only had to make two modifications to some commas. Commas have always been a nemesis. After I showed my Ex, he became angry with me, that I didn’t heed his warning. I believe that was our first disagreement…I should’ve seen the writing on the wall!
After we married, I was constantly told that I can’t do this or that. I, at first, didn’t think it wasn’t because I was not capable, it was because I thought that he though that I shouldn’t. No, I was wrong, as usual. It was because he thought I wasn’t capable and he didn’t want me to do whatever it was. He was also grooming me for self-doubt, for control, but I had no idea about all of that. I mean, I see it now, but at the time I thought it was more to protect me. I was, after all, a seize-the-day kind of girl. He wanted me to temper my brazenness because I was a wife and mother. I couldn’t be “spirited” any more, as my father often described me. Marriage = boring, I surmised. Must do my part!
Eventually, he did verbally and emotionally “beat me down” with can’t. Usually it was because I was too stupid, or dense, to accomplish something. I began to believe him. Can’t introduced so much self doubt that I second guessed myself, which eventually turned into full blown gaslighting. I became afraid of my own shadow and my own thoughts. However, I had to constantly encourage my children, telling them that they could do whatever they put their minds to. Once I did that, they were succeeding and I was feeling angry at myself. Why, oh why, was I allowing him to do that to me? Why wasn’t I taking my own advice??
So, if he said you can’t, I’d try anyway. That branded me as defiant and difficult, but I didn’t care. Sometimes there were physical punishments that came with defying him, but the satisfaction of succeeding overcame the pain. Sometimes I really couldn’t do something, if I had attempted it, so I would chalk that up as unsuccessful. I might try again at a later time, or not re-attempt it at all. It was my choice. However, I banned can’t from the children’s vocabulary. When he told the children that they can’t, I would change that with shouldn’t (for right now), mainly for their safety.
“Mommy, I can’t,” they’d say. “But did you try?” I’d then ask. “You see if you think you can’t, then you’re correct. It’s not can’t at this point…it’s won’t.” That was the pep talk that I gave my children on the regular. I also taught them the difference between can’t and shouldn’t. Shouldn’t is something that should NOT be done due to meanness, weakness, propriety, or what have you. A line that must not be crossed. I was very distinct with my wording, even with my Abuser.
I will say that after a while, the physical punishments became too great, so I was back to being imprisoned by the word can’t. That is, until one day, when he backed me into a corner and beat me in the worst way that he ever had, I decided that I MUST or I would die. So, he went to jail, but had other third party persons tell me that I can’t survive with out him. I decided then and there that I could, because, well, there really wasn’t another choice. I had to. Failure wasn’t an option.
So, I dared boldly. I did. I could. I tried and succeeded. I tried and failed. I didn’t cower away from things in fear. I just DID because I could. And this turning can’ts into cans was very freeing and empowering. I learned that I was limitless on my terms, not because of someone else’s. Limits are shackles of our own making, locked by the word can’t. I won’t be tethered. I will try and do, to the best of my ability. Results may vary, but at least I will be valiant and have no regrets. Go ahead, underestimate me…that’ll be fun!
DEATH TO CAN’T!
