An Abuser’s Tactics: Future Making

Future Making can also be called “Future Faking”…same difference…they can be used interchangeably in this article.

Narcissists can be incredibly manipulative, often using sophisticated psychological tactics to maintain control over others. One of the most subtle but powerful tools in their arsenal is a tactic known as “future making.” This strategy is often employed to keep victims in a state of uncertainty, false hope, and emotional dependency. In this blog post, we’ll break down what “future making” is, how to spot the signs, and how to protect yourself from falling prey to this tactic.

What is “Future Making?”

“Future making” is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to create a false narrative about the future. They paint an idealized picture of what your future together will look like, often involving promises of love, success, or happiness that seem just out of reach. This tactic serves several purposes for the narcissist and makes it particularly dangerous to the victim, in the following ways:

• Keeps Victims in a Constant State of Hope: The narcissist’s promises of a perfect future often lead victims to believe that the relationship will improve if they just wait long enough, endure enough, or meet certain conditions. This makes the victim feel like change is just around the corner, even when there’s no real evidence to suggest it will happen. This constant hope keeps the victim invested emotionally, preventing them from leaving the relationship or confronting the current issues.
• Delays Critical Decision-Making: By focusing the victim’s attention on a better future, narcissists prevent them from addressing the present. Issues like emotional neglect, manipulation, or even abuse can be pushed aside as the victim continues to believe that things will eventually change. This delay in decision-making can trap the victim in the relationship for much longer than they might have otherwise stayed, wasting valuable time and emotional energy.
• Increases Emotional Dependency: The narcissist manipulates the victim into believing that their worth and happiness are linked to the realization of this idealized future. Over time, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the narcissist for the promise of a better life, making it harder to break free. The victim feels that leaving or challenging the narcissist would mean abandoning the hope of that future, creating a cycle of emotional control.
• Gaslighting and Self-Doubt: By repeatedly focusing on a future that doesn’t materialize, the narcissist can distort the victim’s perception of reality. If the victim brings up concerns or doubts, the narcissist will often gaslight them by saying things like, “You’re just being impatient” or “You don’t believe in us.” This manipulative technique undermines the victim’s ability to trust their own feelings and instincts, causing them to question whether they are overreacting or being unreasonable.
• False Sense of Security: Victims may feel like they are being promised something wonderful, which can create a false sense of security. This security allows the narcissist to continue harmful behaviors, knowing that the victim is less likely to take action. When the victim believes that things will get better “soon,” they may put up with abusive or toxic behaviors in the hope that change is coming.
• Reinforces the Cycle of Abuse: The false hope of a bright future often keeps victims in abusive relationships longer, where the cycle of love-bombing, idealization, devaluation, and discard can continue. Narcissists will use future promises to create highs and lows that keep the victim emotionally hooked, making it harder to break the cycle and build the courage to leave.
• Undermines Self-Worth: Because the narcissist often ties the future success of the relationship to the victim’s actions or behavior (e.g., “If you just did [X], we could have this perfect life”), it can make the victim feel like they’re responsible for fixing the relationship or bringing about the perfect future. This dynamic leads to self-blame, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. The victim may feel like they are constantly falling short of the narcissist’s expectations, leading to diminished self-esteem and personal growth.
• Wasted Time and Energy: By convincing the victim to wait for the future to improve, the narcissist wastes the victim’s time and energy, leaving them stuck in a relationship that is emotionally draining, unhealthy, or even abusive. Victims may look back with regret after realizing that they’ve sacrificed years of their life on promises that were never kept.
• Prevents Victims from Taking Action: The constant focus on an ideal future often prevents victims from seeing the situation for what it truly is in the present. This discourages them from taking practical steps to protect themselves, whether it’s setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or even leaving the relationship altogether. The promise of a better tomorrow can be so distracting that it becomes difficult to take action in the here and now.
• Long-Term Psychological Impact: The long-term impact of future making can leave victims emotionally drained, confused, and disillusioned. The prolonged exposure to manipulation can cause feelings of helplessness and a loss of personal agency. Victims may struggle with trust issues, emotional scars, and a diminished sense of self-worth even after leaving the narcissist.

Signs of “Future Making” Tactics

Recognizing the signs of future making is essential for breaking free from a narcissist’s grip. Here are some key indicators that you might be dealing with this tactic:

1. Promises of a Perfect Future: The narcissist frequently talks about a future together that sounds too good to be true. They paint pictures of a life filled with love, success, and fulfillment, often using vague language that cannot be verified. These promises often have no concrete timeline, leaving the victim hanging.
2. The “When…Then” Manipulation: Narcissists often use conditional statements like, “When we move in together, everything will be perfect,” or “When you prove your loyalty, I’ll show you how much I love you.” These statements are designed to place the burden on the victim, making them feel responsible for making the relationship “work.”
3. The “Someday” Dream: They create an ongoing narrative where the victim is constantly told that something amazing is just around the corner. “Someday” the narcissist will change, things will get better, or the relationship will be what you’ve always wanted. This vague promise gives the victim hope and delays them from facing the reality of the situation.
4. Avoidance of Present Problems: Whenever the current relationship issues or concerns are brought up, the narcissist quickly shifts the focus to the future. They might say, “We’ll work through this, just wait until we get to [X future event].” This serves to deflect and avoids any accountability for current behaviors.
5. Gaslighting Your Present Reality: Narcissists will often downplay or deny the current issues in the relationship, making you question your perception of reality. For instance, if you’re upset with them, they might say, “You’re being too sensitive; you just need to wait until things settle down.”

Why Do Narcissists Use “Future Making”?

Narcissists thrive on control, validation, and admiration, and they use future making as a means of securing these things. By keeping their victims trapped in the illusion of a better future, they ensure that the victim doesn’t take action to leave or confront the current toxic dynamics. The hope of a better tomorrow keeps the victim emotionally tethered to the narcissist, often for much longer than they would otherwise stay.

How to Combat “Future Making”

Now that we understand what “future making” is and how it works, let’s discuss how you can protect yourself from falling victim to it.

1. Stay Grounded in the Present: Narcissists often use the future as a distraction from current problems. To avoid falling into this trap, focus on the present. If things are not working now, it’s unlikely they will magically improve in the future. Assess the situation for what it is rather than relying on promises of a better tomorrow.
2. Set Boundaries: Set clear emotional and practical boundaries with the narcissist. Don’t allow them to dictate your worth or emotional state. If they use future promises to manipulate you, be firm and assertive in addressing the reality of the present situation.
3. Ask for Specifics: If the narcissist makes promises about the future, challenge them to provide concrete details. Ask questions like, “What exactly will change, and when?” If they cannot give you specifics or timelines, it’s a red flag that their promises are empty. Narcs will avoid making timelines, when you request it. Anything measurable will be avoided by narcissists, guaranteed.
4. Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it usually is. Trust your gut feeling about the relationship and don’t let the narcissist manipulate you into believing that things will magically improve. Pay attention to patterns of behavior rather than empty words.
5. Seek Support: Engaging with a therapist, counselor, or support group can help you gain clarity and perspective. Talking to someone outside of the situation can help you break free from the emotional fog that the narcissist has created.
6. Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away: Sometimes, the most powerful way to combat future making is to walk away. If the narcissist is constantly dangling a future that never comes, it may be time to let go. Your well-being is far more important than holding on to a promise that will never materialize.

The narcissist’s tactic of “future making” is a powerful form of manipulation designed to keep victims trapped in a cycle of false hope. By recognizing the signs of this tactic and staying grounded in reality, you can protect yourself from falling victim to it. Remember, the future should not be used as a tool to excuse harmful behavior in the present. The best way to combat it is to focus on the reality of the relationship, set firm boundaries, and trust yourself to make decisions that prioritize your emotional and mental well-being.