I was “doom scrolling” Instagram Friday night and encountered the following post:
I immediately “hearted” it, as it was something that I understood completely. I judge no victim/survivor for staying in an abusive relationship. They were there because they knew that it was “safer” to stay, or so they thought. Leaving meant that it could “amp up” the abuser and change their safety into danger, in the blink of an eye. It is fear of the unknown, because our abusers have us so brainwashed that we cannot survive without them, while we are effectually surviving WITH them. We didn’t realize how strong we truly were!
“Why did you stay?” is the question I get asked the most often AND that I hate with the most fervor. People who aske that do not realize that they are accidentally victim shaming the victim, which is humiliating and degrading. It’s almost a passive-aggressive form of domestic abuse from society, truth be told. I decided to look at the post’s comments, as I often do, in support of people who survived abuse and to educate those who respond ignorantly. Then I came across THIS gem!
What an AMAZING answer! It hit the question HEAD ON! It was the type of honest answer that would shut that question down. I tried to contact the responder, but got no response. I did a screen shot of it and marked out her identity, in order to protect her privacy and safety. This answer is not mine, and I am not claiming it as such. I just wanted the world to know that I see her and I was her, and I appreciate her contribution to myself and other survivors for being so eloquent and precise in her response. I felt that response, as a survivor of domestic abuse. I noted those things in my mind to remind myself that I was alive and lucky to be so, by my Abuser’s good graces, as the time of my active abuse.
I also wanted to point out that I don’t shame back people that ask the questions that victim shame us. I educate them. When I was first was asked that question, I’d give short non-commital answers because I didn’t want to answer that within myself. We have a lot of shame, once we escape and start healing, about staying as long as we did. We didn’t know better. We didn’t realize that the true unsafety is when we are no longer with the abusers and know what they’re planning. We didn’t understand the levels that they’d stoop to in order to get us back, slander our names and reputations, and to hurt us worse or even plot our deaths. But once we did get free, it was the fight of our lives and we’d do anything to keep it!
Love and light! <3
My two cents: I wholeheartedly agree that many women stay because they have been brainwashed to believe that they cannot survive on their own. However, there are those of us who were targeted by coercive controllers specifically for the purpose of exploiting us for our strengths. There are predators who are like leeches, sucking every bit of labor, money, joy and life from their target. I was never dependent on him to provide me with anything. I knew he was capable of killing me and making everyone around us think I was the problem. I stayed trying to figure out how to leave without him destroying what was left of me. I failed. Today I am rebuilding slowly, but the fallout from leaving him far exceeded the damage he did while we lived together. Our systems, in opinion, are the biggest barrier to targets leaving abusers. Courts, law enforcement, and other professionals are failing to identify coercive control and the extreme dangers it presents, and they are turning innocent children over to unfit “parents” who are capable of killing their own child just to retaliate against their targeted victim for daring to divorce them.
I am sorry you went through all of that! I wholeheartedly agree with the systems being not conducive to escape and survival after the fact. I am still dealing with the fallout myself, but it does get a little better every day in away from my abuser! Thank you for responding! 💜