Woman hands praying for blessing from god on sunset background
Sorry, I haven’t posted in a few weeks…I’ve had A LOT going on that I had to reflect on…
What started it off was the unbearable pain that I’ve been going through. I could not take it any longer and called into work and went to the ER. I had to have a CT scan and discovered that I had inflammation fluid built up. a steroid shot and Prednisone made me feel SO much relief, but I then had to go see an orthopedic specialist. The ortho doctor’s office called me and moved up my appointment. Once I saw him, the doctor walked in and said I needed something that I honestly did not expect to hear: he said I needed a HIP REPLACEMENT. Um, excuse me? I’m only fifty years old! He told me that it did not matter, as it was bone-on-bone (my cartilage was completely gone), and the surgery was my only option. The more I questioned, the more he insisted. I reluctantly set up the surgery for November 6, 2024.
Needless to say, I’ve been preoccupied with that issue. I have, however, since made another appointment with a separate out-of-town orthopedist. I really DO NOT have time to be laid up, but the pain returned after the steroids wore off. I want to make sure that surgery is truly the only option OR explore other feasible, available options. I don’t relish surgery or being down for 4 weeks. I have work and family obligations, which brought me to why I am writing this now…
I do not have time to be down. I take care of two houses. I work a full-time job for the federal government, where I interact with the public and support all of the other positions in my office. I assist my boyfriend, who is a disabled veteran. I have a child who is on the Autism Spectrum I’m trying to finish up school and get him a job. I have a daughter who has a husband and my two-year-old grandson, who live in the house I own without paying rent, and who are also supposed to be getting back on their feet. I have a Chapter 13 bankruptcy that is keeping me broke and struggling (meaning that I have to work a part-time job, at times). I have realized that I am somewhat of a household appliance in the lives of my people. Sturdy. Dependable. Hard-working. I mean, I am, but that stems from being who I am and the abuse I previously experienced, I feel. I place my value on what I provide to my people.
This is not an exhaustive list, but IS ever-evolving: I do the cleaning, vacuuming, and dusting. I do the grocery shopping. I go to the food pantries to supplement, so everyone eats. I do the cooking. I take care of the animals, assisted by my boyfriend. I do the working outside of the home. I run the errands. I do the shopping and price comparisons. I do the grant writing. I apply for assistance from agencies if we need it. I constantly monitor prices on the bills and shop services around. I wash/dry/fold the laundry (but my boyfriend does assist me with this too thankfully). I am in the process of dejunking, by selling things online, taking things we no longer need to Goodwill, and making dump runs to get things disposed of. I do and will assist in the burnable things, to get those things gone too. I find things we need to make our lives function better and more simply. I do all these things as I physically and financially can. It. Is. A. Lot!
So, I have this guilt that my value is somehow built into these duties that I perform, these services I provide. I also realize that to keep going, I do have to allow myself to stop and pause sometimes because batteries run down. I have to recharge to serve God and myself, and I am no good to my family without that. The abuse that I previously suffered has broken down my body and I deserve to be healed. My body is telling me that I WILL slow down because it is going to make me do so.
I also have to give myself grace, as well as permission. I am no longer in my twenties and thirties and things just take longer…ALL of the things! I am allowed to give myself time to read and to write. I cannot exercise right now, which was one of my coping mechanisms and my “battery pack” for energy. I have to make time to nap, if I can, although one of my family members is constantly calling me for my assistance…I hate feeling like this, but I’m going to have to embrace it for the time being and remind my family that I need grace too. I honestly think they think I am infallible. I assure you, I am NOT.
I also know that God is trying to mold me into His instrument of healing and hope to survivors of domestic abuse. How do I know? He keeps providing me all of these lovely opportunities to serve Him: my two writing scholarships; my ability to purchase a new (to me, but used) camera and laptop tools to keep my work going; my freelance [paid] writing gig and free opportunities to be a published writer in upcoming anthologies for domestic abuse survivors and mental health survivors. I keep praying and He keeps providing, I just have to completely surrender to Him and keep my mind and heart open. I have and the results have been amazing! I realize I am neither rich nor famous, which is not what I’m looking for, but everything keeps moving in a positive direction! I get to write and speak and help others — LIFE IS GOOD!
So, He has deemed me worthy, so I must admit to myself that I am worthy. God does not make mistakes. He does not call the “qualified,” he qualifies the called. I am one of His chosen and I will behave as such, keeping myself in check so that I do not get egotistical. I do my darnedest to stay humble, because He could take it all away from me, if He so chose to. I thank God every day that I am alive and I am free!
I am honored and blessed to be an instrument of God. I just have to keep my human-ness in perspective (which I do through body pain, sadly). I will write as often as I am able, as I do not plan on discontinuing my Blog…I was just resting, dear reader!
Love and light! <3
