‘COMIC RELIEF’ Post: #thisis50

I thought I would infuse a bit of humor into my blog, as DV is a very serious topic. I don’t want to be serious ALL of the time because where is the fun in that??? I’m now 50 years old and have three grown children and a grandchild. I have always found humor in living life, which you MUST, in order to survive. Here are some of my ponderings about turning 50, in which no one warned me about. This is life, as I have discovered it to be, “at this age”…I’m channeling my inner Erma Bombeck, so indulge me…

I will try to gather up these ponderings, from time to time, in order to engage and to tickle your funny bone! Stay tuned!

Chin hairs wave at you like old friends — wait, didn’t I just pluck you??? My Mom would often call them “kitty whiskers,” to which I asked her not to give cute names to hellish things. She always did have a way of making things less offensive and more manageable. I wish, however, she’d been more real and upfront (and raw) about going through menopause and turning 50. The only nugget she left me with about menopause is that she was completely through it by age 53, so I should be too. And now, we wait…

You have a favorite pair of jeans that fit “just right” (and they make your butt look GREAT), and you wear them two or three times per week. You no longer care that it makes you seem like a toddler, who wants to wear things over and over and over and over again. You will wash them, however, because you’re still a responsible grown-up…well, sort of…

When you gift your mid-20’s daughter some of your favorite perfume for her birthday, along with a lovely sweater, and she refers to it as “old lady perfume.” You offer to take it back for her to exchange it for something else (even though you are NOW super annoyed), and she says, “No, it’s okay. I’ll spray the dog’s bed so it won’t smell like a wet swamp beast slept there. I mean, it’s not unpleasant.” WTF!?!? Girl…

Your uterus is losing momentum on her illusions of grandeur of becoming a sea cucumber — as you approach your impending doom, er, I mean, menopause. Ugh. Men have literally NOTHING like this they have to go through!!!

You have recently come up with a catchier phrase for “hot flashes” — they are now “power surges!” (You’re welcome. Feel free to use that phrase liberally.) Moohahahahaha! More power!! (Not really, but it sounded like an appropriate mad-scientist thing to say.) **Removes another piece of clothing, keeping her on this side of “decent” and fans herself demurely** Don’t mind me, I’m just having my own personal summer over here…

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…you used to be a video game FREAK. Now, instead of saying “I’m 50 years old,” it’s now, “I’ve achieved Level 50.” It sounds so much more impressive, don’t you think??? Yeah, my kids rolled their eyes too…whatever…

You’re itchy and you chafe in new places you never had before, EVER, which gives a multifaceted meaning to “being irritated” at this age. I mean, who knew your eyelids could chafe??? It’s probably all of the eye-rolling I do at this age…I didn’t realize there were so many completely idiotic things in the world these days…

You can go from “aren’t you a little young for that?” to “aren’t you a little too old for that?” only separated by a short period of time where you raised sticky little squatters who now call you “Bruh.” I am apparently now too old for tattoos and technology. BUT, ask me if I care…because I. DO. NOT.

I remember my Dad asking my brother and I to help him to program the VCR when we were kids — specifically when he wanted to record something that would be airing when he was either working or otherwise not at home. Now, my two-year-old grandson knows how to reset my Internet router when I wasn’t successful the 20 times before he tried. Sheesh. Is this the ‘circle of life’ or the ‘blue ring of death’? I’m totally confused here…