BONUS POST: Ah, the Hilarious American Public

I work for a Federal social services agency, but I cannot say which one. However, as a customer service rep, I get the pleasure of working with the American public. It’s usually positive, as I get to help many people, sometimes it’s negative…but sometimes, I honestly don’t know what to make of it. Yesterday was one such experience that I have to share.

A husband and wife came in to update some information. The wife had been to our office before and clearly had previously interacted with me, because when I called them up to my booth, the woman exclaimed, “Oh good! We get the nice lady with the awesome tattoo!” She was referring to my awesome, yet not-quite-finished Wonder Woman tattoo. I am always delighted to get that reaction!

They sat down and she remarked again about how patriotic my tattoo was. I helped them with what they came for, in record time. After that, I asked them if there was anything else I could assist them with.

The husband was again eyeing my tattoo. “Patriotic, huh? Why don’t you get Donald Trump tattooed somewhere on there.” I was not expecting this comment from him, so this gave me pause.

“No,” I said smiling. “If I was going to get a former president tattooed on my body, it would be someone with a proven track record like, say, Abraham Lincoln.” I smiled at them both, hoping this conversation was finished. I had more people in the lobby to wait on and help. It was far from over, I would discover.

The husband frowned at me a bit then said, “You know Lincoln was gay, right?”

I knitted my eyebrows at this strange turn of conversation. “Um, I beg your pardon?”

He looked very smug with himself at his revolutionary comment. “Yep, he was gay alright. It’s true. It’s been exposed on the Internet. I saw it myself. It’s verified. Look it up!”

I blinked a few times before answering, ensuring that I heard him correctly. Then a smile slowly crossed my face as I loaded my retort. It’s times like these where I probably shouldn’t say what I’m thinking, but I did anyway…he crossed SO many lines with his uninformed comments.

“Wow,” I said. “I’m just amazed. Abe Lincoln had a really busy and eventful presidency! You know: freeing the slaves, being a husband and a father, being gay, and — did you know THIS? He was also a vampire slayer! Wow, what an amazing man!”

The wife looked so shocked, “Oh my God, really? Wow! That is amazing!”

“Yes! There’s a book AND a movie about it! Swear! Look it up!” I was completely animated now.

The husband looked annoyed, “That ain’t real. Vampires ain’t real. That didn’t really happen.”

I was on a roll now. “Sir, I swear. It even mentions Madison [Indiana]!” Ironcially, I live in Madison as did these two. I mean, I’m not wrong. I did read the book years ago, upon my brother’s urging. And saw the movie with the axe-wielding sixteenth president. It wasn’t oscar worthy, but definitely entertaining.

“Oh, I’m gonna look that up! Wow!” the wife gasped. “To think, he visited li’l old Madison.”

“Well,” I said. “You two have a great day! Have a happy Fourth of July tomorrow! ” The husband stood up, visibly annoyed and exited the lobby, the wife talking excitedly about her new discovery she had to go and read about. I think I might have injured his manhood and probably mislead that poor woman, but she believed what her husband had told her as gospel — so I don’t feel THAT bad. That’s right, sir, make ridiculous and ignorant comments in my presence, you’re going to get sarcastic ones back! AND I grew up in the south so you’re not going to realize how un-polite I was, because I masked it with politeness. Don’t mess with book nerds and history nerds. We will burn you EVERY time!

And for the record, I don’t care what Lincoln did or did not do in his bedroom. He freed the slaves and saved the country, which ended up costing him his life. I hope he lived his life on his terms. That is all…