Sorry for the goofy meme…it just simply describes what I am currently experiencing in my life. All of my responsibilities are chasing me and are closing in. No disrespect to the LAPD. I respect law enforcement, as they have helped me and I used to work in law enforcement. Any abusers that are offended by this meme, can, well, go mind ya business SOMEWHERE ELSE. I wasn’t going there with that, but if the shoe fits, Cinderella (*shrugs*).
I have reached an over-saturation level in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful to be safe and out of violence, but the “hustling” to keep my proverbial head above water…well, it’s getting hard to tread water, so I’m swapping off with the less attractive “doggie paddle.” You gotta do what you gotta do! Like Dory, “must keep swimming…”
I’m about to get REAL (not that I ever haven’t been real here, but maybe MORE REAL – RAW, even). Freedom definitely isn’t free, I am just trying to see what’s going to be the best for my situation. I know God is definitely assisting!
As you may or may not know, I am a single Mom of an Autistic teen whom I am trying to get to finish high school. I work two jobs (one full-time and one part-time) and have very little personal time. I am also involved with an awesome man who is a disabled veteran. I am being pulled in so many directions, I am trying to weigh options to see how I need to proceed forward. My part-time job is providing me with more income, but much less time and more obligation (not to mention MORE exhaustion). It is also inhibiting my working of over-time with my full-time job, that previously wasn’t there and is making it seem to my employer that I’m not dedicated. Ugh, to say the least! I always try to wait to see if more OT is going to be there, and when I can can wait no longer [financially], I go and get a P/T job and THEN that’s when my employer decides to provide more overtime. Figures. SMH.
I’ve also had to take educating my teen into my own hands and really need to stop my part-time job to take care of more of his needs, but I also still have to be able to feed him and have the money for gas to take him where he needs to go. His public school was not meeting his educational and emotional needs, not to mention his anxiety levels were unreal. We are trying to find him a part-time job right now, so he has more of a purpose. Once we get him a job, maybe we can get him driving! It’s a progression that is not progressing quickly, for either one of us. I also have a special diet, due to being borderline diabetic, so it just costs a bunch to feed three people. Period.
Ironically, I’ve had a person that knows me recently ask: why don’t you apply for food stamps? Simple! Done! No, it’s not that simple. I make a really good wage at my full-time job, but I am having almost $1600/month taken out for the bankruptcy that I had to file on mine and my ex-husband’s debts and home. It may not be a lot of money for some, but it’s A LOT for me. I have to keep going until it is done, which is at the end of January 2025…I’ve been doing this since October 2019. I’m SOOOOO close and I’ve come too far! So, applying for food stamps is a no-go…I technically make too much at my full-time job. That is, I gross too much money. The State has told me it’s not their problem of what my debt obligations are, as my bankruptcy comes straight out of my paycheck. I get that completely. I also am not complaining because if it takes nearly $1600/month to keep the abusive Ex away, it’s WELL worth it! I promise I’m not complaining, I’m just trying to get to January 2025. Once I get that paid off, I can live well on what I make. It’s the getting there that is the struggle. Only 16 more months to go!!!!
So, in between all of that and surviving a fire and consolidating everything, I have to weigh my mental health too. My writing for this blog is my therapy. Writing helps me collect my thoughts and unpack some heavy things, more than anything else. I haven’t had much of an opportunity to do this. It IS essentially a part of my self-care routine! I am grumpy and upset when I cannot write, to the point of annoying my son and BF. I know that I am, so I must keep writing. I even struggle to exercise and to move around, due to lack of time. I could wake up early in the morning, but I’m so tired, I tend to oversleep, so exercising and writing in the early AM is NOT currently happening. This gets grouped into making a decision to stop my part-time job or keep going. If I choose to stop, I would give a two week notice — no need to shoot myself in a foot. I feel a guilt for having chased this job to the point of insanity, and now it sounds like I’m being an ungrateful B about having it. I really like the people I work with and the job itself…I just have NO personal time. NONE. NADA. NYET. It’s next to impossible to take care of others when you just cannot seem to take care of yourself. You can’t jumpstart others when your own batteries are darned near dead. *Someone* suggested that I stop the blog, but that is something that I CANNOT allow to happen. Besides being my therapy, what if it’s someone else’s therapy too? NOT. AN. OPTION.
I also need some mindless activities in my life. Mindless activities meaning that it really doesn’t take much to think about doing. When you use your brain ALL the time, thinking of complex things for work and for others. I consider reading one of these activities. Also, playing with my Rubik’s cube. Walking and experiencing nature is another mindless, yet very necessary activity. Laughing at a comedy routine helps me so much too. I equate these type of activities to a trickle charge, much like when you plug in a smartphone.
I know something needs to change. I’m trying to figure out the ‘what’ and the ‘how’. I’ve been praying for God to intervene into my plight. I want to calm the chaos. I’ve dealt with chaos all throughout living through abuse. I deserve peace and prosperity. I have achieved safey, which is awesome. I just have trials that I have to overcome and past things to sum up. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, despite the fact that the light seems to be moving farther away as I chase it. Don’t mind me…I’m that sponge that you keep trying to get to pickup more and more water and it is over-saturated and has no more room to receive. Self-care is like the wringing of said spounge. You see all the dirty water come running out and the spounge is once again ready to help, rinsed by clean water. My writing is that wringing and rinsing.
What can I say? I am an analogy queen as well as the juggling jester. I’m ready to be down to one role.
