I love the song “Comfortably Numb,” by Pink Floyd. I’m listening to it currently, as I write this post. It accurately describes where I am finding refuge right now.
My boyfriend is having back surgery (it’s Tuesday, April 9). Surgery is always serious to me. ALWAYS. This isn’t his first surgery, and most likely won’t be the last. He’s on disability. His disability is that he’s been a dedicated sailor and hard worker his entire life, which has taken tole on his body. I’ll take him in any form he is — he’s my best friend and my person. We laugh and joke. We get each other’s humor and gauge each other’s moods. We love each other’s children and grandchildren as our own. He’s the first person I want to tell when something amazing happens, and the first person I turn to when I need reassurance or to hear the sober truth. I’m blessed. I never knew a partner could be like this and I feel cheated that I didn’t have this my entire adult life. I suppose I had to endure the complete and polar opposite to appreciate this for the magnificent gift that it is.
The reason for the title of this post is because I called upon the numbness that I learned about while in active abuse. This enveloping robe of no emotion, of steeliness, of apathy. It’s how I functioned. I call it “fembot mode” because I had to go there to survive the emotional and physical hell I went through previously. It’s a place where I can stuff down my emotions and not feel. I don’t want to feel right now. My person is in surgery, where there is always a minor percentage of death, and I’m afraid. And, well, he’s not here to reassure me. I will go comfortably numb and will not cry. I wanted to, when they wheeled him away, but I did not. He’s a very proud man and he wouldn’t want to be wailed over. Instead I got myself a coffee and started writing, while listening to music. I ate a little breakfast and took my morning supplements. I’ll fawn over him later, in private. He will act mildly annoyed, but enjoy it thoroughly.
I occasionally call upon this numbness, but not too frequently. Time for a work evaluation? Numbness. A screaming member of the public calling me horrible names? Poker face. Adult child having issues with an adult milestone and being melodramatic? Resolve-shields, activated. I mean, it can be helpful. It’s helping now, in this moment. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it’s in my wheelhouse. *Shrugs* Indifference can definitely be a useful tool. I try not to use it too often, as it took me a few years of being “numb” from abuse, before I could feel and release my emotions. I didn’t like being a “cold” b*tch. I don’t want to lose touch with myself ever, ever again. N-E-V-E-R! I can withdrawal into it temporarily, but not for too long…otherwise I could experience a hysterically emotional outburst and NO ONE wants that. It’s NOT pretty. I had to go through that emotional and physical “fit” to breakaway from the aloofness that I got caught up in, in order to let my emotions flow once more.
You know, I may have to call on this “skill,” later on, as he’s healing. He’ll be grouchy. It could be the things that I’m doing to make him comfortable or happy may not work or pacify him. He may not want to get up and walk or do the things that he needs to in order to heal. I will put on my iron overcoat and go to work. I will do this, because underneath is all of my love that I have for him…and my truly tender feelings will need protected for a bit, until he’s back to his goofy (and yet oddly logical) self. When he gets grouchy, I know it’s pain and tiredness trying to overthrow and derail him. He always apologizes for the temporary outburst, which I always forgive. I do not expect him to be perfect. I know his true character and he’s the kindest, sweetest man I know. Just don’t tell him that I let you in on THAT secret!
I’m not a therapist, but protective devices can coexist within healing. You just have to channel them like the Force. Do, or do not, there is no cry[ing]. You can do that later, girl!
Love and light and controlled passivity! <3
Also, please enjoy the song that inspired the post title!
