If the holidays feel less like “the most wonderful time of the year” and more like a stress test you didn’t sign up for, you’re NOT imagining it.
Co-parenting with an abusive ex—especially during the holidays—can feel like being dragged back into a story you fought hard to escape. Even when you’re separated or divorced, the power plays, last-minute changes, guilt trips, and emotional whiplash can still show up wrapped in tinsel and court-ordered schedules.
Let me say this clearly first: You are not failing because this is hard. This is hard because abuse rewires stress, trust, and safety.
And the holidays amplify everything.
Why the Holidays Hit Different After Abuse
Holidays tend to poke at the tender spots abuse leaves behind:
- Loss of control over schedules and traditions
- Fear of conflict “ruining” the holiday for your kids
- Old manipulation resurfacing (“You’re selfish if you don’t agree…”)
- Grief for the holidays you hoped you’d have by now
- Hypervigilance—waiting for the next text, email, or court drama
Even if your ex is no longer physically present, their influence can still live in your nervous system.
That’s not weakness. That’s trauma memory.
The Extra Layer: Doing This for Your Kids
One of the hardest parts is the pressure to be “the bigger person” for your children—while quietly swallowing your own anxiety.
You may be:
- Smiling through exchanges while your stomach knots (I vomited afterward, but my kids never knew)
- Reassuring kids who don’t understand the tension — tell them that they are loved and embrace them A LOT (if they’ll allow it)
- Navigating loyalty binds they never should’ve been placed in
Here’s something survivors don’t hear often enough: Protecting your peace is protecting your children.
A regulated parent—even one who’s imperfect—is more healing than a parent who sacrifices themselves into burnout “for the kids.”
Permission Slips You’re Allowed to Take
Let me hand you a few, because survivors rarely give themselves these:
- You’re allowed to simplify the holidays
- You’re allowed to create new traditions, even small ones
- You’re allowed to set emotional boundaries, even if you can’t set legal ones
- You’re allowed to feel joy and grief in the same season
- You’re allowed to rest after exchanges instead of powering through
You don’t have to make the holidays magical to make them meaningful.
Practical Ways to Self-Soothe When Co-Parenting Triggers Flare
When contact with an abusive ex is unavoidable, regulation becomes survival—not self-care fluff.
Here are grounding strategies that actually work for many survivors:
Nervous-System Reset Tools:
- 5–4–3–2–1 grounding (name what you can see, hear, touch, smell, taste)
- Cold water on wrists or face to interrupt adrenaline
- Slow exhales (inhale 4, exhale 6) to signal safety — also known as box breathing
- A weighted blanket or hoodie on while you’re watching a favorite movie that you love and have seen MANY times before — mine, this time of year, is Elf or Home Alone 2.
Emotional Off-Loading:
- Write the text/email you wish you could send—then DO NOT send it; it also works in written letter form too.
- Journal after exchanges to get the feelings out of your body
- Voice-note your thoughts while driving home from drop-offs
- Walking outside, while talking to a trusted friend/family member, to get feelings off of your chest
Focus Anchors:
- Puzzles, coloring, or repetitive hand-based activities — you all know I choose twisty puzzles as my fidget-to-focus tool
- Folding laundry while listening to a calming podcast
- Gentle movement like walking, stretching, yoga, or tai chi
These aren’t distractions—they’re containment tools for YOU.
Boundaries That Help (Even When You Can’t Go No-Contact)
You may not be able to control your ex’s behavior, but you can reduce how much access they have to your emotional world:
- Keep communication brief, factual, and boring (think “business email” tone) — I would only text, as hearing his voice itself was a trigger to me
- Use court-approved parenting apps when possible
- Decide ahead of time what you won’t engage with (baiting, guilt, insults)
- Tell your children that you don’t have to know the details of went on at the other person’s house, unless it was a safety issue — I would ask: “Did you all have a good time?” When they’d say that they did, I’d say, “That’s wonderful!” and leave it at that. If it was not good, have the children say what they’d want to do differently and do not coerce them to answer the way you want them to.
- Give yourself a cool-down ritual after every interaction
Boundaries aren’t about changing them. They’re about protecting YOU.
Resources for Survivor Parents During the Holidays
If you find yourself overwhelmed, triggered, or emotionally flooded, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to white-knuckle it.
Domestic Violence Support
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.)
Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: START to 88788
Chat available online (24/7) - Your State DV Hotline
- Local DV advocacy centers often offer holiday support groups, court advocacy, and counseling referrals.
Trauma-Informed Support
- Therapists trained in trauma, abuse recovery, or post-separation abuse
- Online survivor communities (moderated, abuse-informed spaces only)
Gentle Self-Support
- Trauma-informed books or audiobooks
- Podcasts focused on healing after narcissistic or coercive abuse
- Survivor-created blogs and newsletters (you are not the only one)
Reaching out doesn’t mean you’re “not healed enough.” It means you’re human.
A Final Word, Survivor to Survivor
If the holidays feel heavy this year, that doesn’t mean you’re going backward.
It means you’re navigating freedom with lingering ties—one of the hardest stages of recovery.
You’re showing up.
You’re protecting your kids.
You’re rewriting what safety looks like.
That counts.
And if no one’s told you this yet: You’re doing the best you can in a season that asks too much of survivors. That is MORE than enough.