Yesterday was a dark day for me. Yesterday would’ve been my abuser and I’d 30th wedding anniversary. Divorce finally happened on the 26th wedding anniversary. The last one we celebrated together was the 24th one. I mean, with a narcissist, who knows if they celebrated or not. It was probably just another day to him…
Why are you revisiting this, you might ask? Well, to be brutally honest, it hurts. Not quite like it did the previous five years, but it still hurts. I was totally in love and “all in” with my Abuser. So, it still hurts a bit. Like poking a fresh bruise. It aches for a bit, then stops hurting for a while, until some other intrusive thought pokes it again. It’s a dull ache, but still quite there.
I knew yesterday was going to be difficult for me. I felt as though I had a small dark cloud hovering above my head. I was trying to get my youngest to school, but of course of all days he really wants to argue and fight with me. He hates school and I’m being a “b*tch” for making him go. He doesn’t care he’s about to make me late for work AGAIN and he doesn’t care if I get fired (despite being the only person generating an income in the house). I know that these are the rantings of an Autistic teen boy, BUT he doesn’t realize what day it is or how much his voice nuances are like his father’s. Hearing that in his voice made me shiver; however, I also ran to work to get my computer started up, then got him into the vehicle and got him to school. My employer, God bless them, let me take my break early, in order to get him to school.
I also realized yesterday just how much I owe myself an apology! I owe myself kindness for the numerous years I allowed myself to be ruled by violence and unkindness. I owe myself A LOT of love and positivity for all the years I digested and believed I was unworthy. I owe myself for being a vigilant parent and wife, even through hateful comments and treatment.
It bugs me how much I did endure, all in the name of “love.” Why did I tolerate that for so long? Why do I mourn a marriage that was one-sided? Our final incident was so violent that if another one had occurred, he would have surely killed me — he attempted to at our final incident. I am relieved to be alive, but saddened by what was promised to me but that NEVER materialized!
I will say, each year stings a little less. I endured over 23 years of abuse. An article I read (and cannot, for the life of me, locate) stated for every year of abuse, it takes 1.5 to 2 years in healing. Yikes! I think I’m doing well, all things considered.
So after having a harrowing day with the boy-child, I decided to purchase myself a “sparkly” thing. After just about every bout of major abuse, my Abuser would by me a lovely necklace or ring or earrings, to “smooth things over.” Essentially, he bribed me so that I wouldn’t report him. I have a heaping Jewellery box full of bribes that I’d love to part with. I’d like to build an arsenal of jewelry that came from love. So, I looked online and found a beautiful circle diamond necklace. I loved the symbolism of things coming “full circle” for me. I could’ve bought a heart diamond necklace, but loved the symbolism of the circle more. It made me feel a little bit better and more empowered.
I am my own Valentine. I am also in an awesome committed relationship that is positive and full of love. Not only does he love me, he loves my kids and grandkid — and I love him and his kids and grand kiddos! I am so blessed…this is the light to my dark! <3