Guest Blogger BIO: William (Billy) Scaggs, author/blogger of Common-Sense Interaction, which can be viewed here: https://readcsi.com/. Thank you, Billy, for a male perspective on domestic abuse!
What is Abuse? How Do I Get Away From It?
First off, before I even get into the subject the title shows, I must say a few things. I am not a physician, psychologist, or psychiatrist. I am going to simply put out some information, from my years of knowing people on both sides of this issue. If you are in an abusive situation, I urge you to seek help now! I believe that I can put a spin on things that may help you see what I have found to be a problem and a possible solution to that problem. Please do not take my word as the gospel of what you are going through. Keep in mind, I am just a writer, giving my opinion. If you are in danger, get help immediately!
Let’s first look at what is considered abuse. Most people believe abuse is the physical hurting of another, usually a husband hitting his wife. This is abuse, but there is another form of abuse that most people never think about. Verbal abuse can destroy a person as fast as physical abuse, and in many ways become the worst-case scenario. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
I want to first talk about physical abuse. If you are a man and are hitting your wife or children, you have a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! You should never hit your wife, period! As far as your children, if you are spanking them, make sure you never do so out of anger. Any other type of hitting your children is absolutely wrong. I will not lean one way or the other on this issue. You are responsible for the discipline of your children. To further your education on spanking, let’s take a look at what the definition of spanking is.
- an act of slapping, especially on the buttocks as a punishment for children. “You deserve a good spanking for what you did.”
The key factor about spanking is never to do so when you are angry. You have to remember how much strength you have and how easily you can hurt your child. By the way, this goes for you too, ladies, never spank your child while you are angry. Spanking can be a form of discipline however if done while in an angry state of mind constitutes abuse.
Men, never hit women. Part of being a man is learning control of your body and emotions. You should have been taught that growing up, but some of you did not receive that life lesson. Men are naturally stronger than women, especially in our upper bodies. Not only is it the wrong thing to do, but it can also cause great harm to those you are hitting. Men are known for their self-control for a reason. If you lose control, make sure you are alone or with your male buddies, who can help control you. This is a huge #1 lesson for a man to learn. Don’t let your true temper show when there are women or children around. None of us want to hurt our bride or children. Don’t allow it to happen, because being sorry later doesn’t fix anything. They may forgive you, given time, but you will never forgive yourself.
I have talked a little about men hitting women, but ladies, I have something to tell you as well, and you’re probably not going to like it. It takes great control for a man to hold his temper to a lower level, if you ladies hit your man, you may be tempting fate. Don’t hit him and hope he doesn’t hit you back. Most of us have control to not snap, but some don’t have this control, especially while drinking or under other forms of mind-altering substances. If he hits you, he is completely in the wrong, but just don’t help him get there by hitting him first. I want to add here that I have been talking about husbands and wives, this also is for boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancée, or any other couple out there. I guess the biggest difference is, that if your boyfriend is beating you up, and you go ahead and marry him, you are asking for trouble. It would be bad enough to keep dating and see how many times he hurts you. Remember, if he will do it once, there’s a great chance there will be a repeat in your future.
The main issue people are not learning is, that “we must respect each other“. If you are hitting one another, there is no respect, and you shouldn’t be together in the first place. Of course, there are always instances where people change and become someone else. If this is the case, there is a reason, and it usually involves the substances, mentioned above, like alcohol. Ladies and gentlemen, if you meet your mate in a bar, the writing should be in letters ten feet tall to look deeper before you commit to a relationship.
I have discussed abusing and being abused, but how do we change what is happening? If you are the abuser, you need to move out and seek help immediately! It may be hard to leave your family, but until you get help, you need to get out and get help before things get worse. If you love your family, get help, and there may be a chance of getting them back. If you lose them because you left, at least you will have peace in your heart that your family is safe. This would be the hard lesson #2. Remember, there is help for you, and you don’t have to do it alone. There are plenty of places willing to help you with your anger issues.
Ladies, if you are being physically abused, get your children and leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be, and the chances of serious injury or even death for you and your children will gain in percentage, not lower. If he is out of control, it will continue to get worse until he gets the help he needs. He can apologize all he wants, but if he has let the beast out more than once, it will continue. I say more than once, I would like to say the first time, but I know that I would be talking to a brick wall. I know you women always want to believe it was a one-time thing. Furthermore, I pray that you are right, but studies show this is not with good odds. When he beats you or your children up the second time, will you give him a third?
It’s very scary to be in a situation where you think of being trapped or that he will find you. I feel for you, I really do, but if you don’t get out of that situation, it is only going to get worse. You know when he won’t be home. You know where you can find a police station, or a relative to get to. Don’t let yourself or your children become a statistic on the news. Especially if you have children, get them out of this situation to a safe place!
Now, most people don’t want to talk about it, but there are instances where the wife is the physical abuser. This doesn’t happen as often, but it does happen. The same goes for you gentlemen, if your wife is abusive to you, you need to get out. If your wife is abusive to your children, get them out and make sure to seek help from the nearest authorities. By authorities, I mean the police. This falls under a little different circumstance because it is rare and people don’t want to believe the wife is the abusive one. You want to make sure to go directly to the authorities, so your wife can’t say you kidnapped your children. If you do anything else, you might be charged with kidnapping, since you are the man. I know this isn’t right, but society is what it is. Get your children to safety, this is the most important thing.
I have gone over what I believe about physical abuse. Now let’s talk a little about verbal abuse. Do you realize that verbal abuse, even though not taken care of by authorities as it should be, can actually be worse than physical abuse? First let me say that physical abuse usually consists of verbal abuse at the same time, but is not mentioned very often. Verbal abuse, by itself, can be a lifelong tragedy. Someone can verbally cause their partner to commit suicide. If the verbally abused person does get out and away from their abuser, they may never be able to trust another person, ever. They can lose the ability to function in society because they have been torn down so badly, that they can no longer make decisions on their own. Verbal abuse can become brainwashing that may never be fixed. Verbally abused people lose all self-esteem and can go into a deep depression that may control the rest of their lives.
Most of the time, verbal abuse starts slow and grows from there (degrading your spouse, calling him/her hurtful names, or telling him/her they are useless). It is a constant tear down of one’s mind. The abused person becomes dependent upon the one that is abusing them and believes they can’t get along without the one abusing them. Verbal abuse may later become physical abuse, but they are so beaten down by then, that they start feeling they deserve the physical abuse. Do you see why I say verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse? It is a teardown of one’s mental ability and can be considered brainwashing. If this is done slowly enough, the person doesn’t even realize it’s happening until it’s beyond repair.
I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, however, I have known people in all aspects of what I have written. I hope that you have found some comfort and possibly even some helpful advice. If you are in an abusive situation, whether you are the abused person or the one being abusive, there are those of us who care and want you to get help. Take care and remember, God loves you, and we love you too. Don’t give up who you are! Take care, my friends, I wholeheartedly believe in you, and believe you can make, and have a better life!